November means... PINNER'S CONFERENCE! Hooray! Byrndee and I went again this year and we even got a hotel room for the night in between. I was still struggling a little bit with the anxiety and depression, but it was manageable for the couple of days. I did have to leave early on Saturday because it felt too overwhelming. I think I was blessed by Heavenly Father to be able to have a little break and have a good time, because it was just a small break for a couple of days. We had fun doing some painting classes and shopping at the booths!
Amelia's rash
I got my kids' school pictures back and I am in love! MY BABIES ARE PERFECT AND I LOVE THEM
Amelia has started to really love playing with her baby. One day she was just singing to her and playing with her like this for a long time. Cute little lady.
We got to do something out of the ordinary this month! It was Steve Staples' birthday and he and Whitney planned for a bunch of people to go to the dairy farm in Midway and do a cheese tasting. It was great for us because it was five minutes away! And it was really fun to do something totally new. Each person got a piece of paper and a clipboard. There were plates of cheese with a number next to them, and the corresponding numbers on your paper. Most of them were not named or had any description at all- it was a mystery! Each cheese had a place where you rated it 1-10 and wrote comments. Most of them were yummy, some were absolutely wonderful, and there was one that I spit out and just couldn't eat. Yikes. After the cheese tasting we went to Lola's and got some dinner.
I'm getting kind of tired of writing about this because I just wish it was done already haha. But the house is making progress. We have been halted for a long time because of some red tape from the city, and that stayed true this month too. I'm getting really impatient and I don't know why they won't let us move forward. We're running out of good weather! With all of that whining out of the way, they have been making a lot of progress with the landscaping and the roof. So much of the house had to be redone anyways that it wasn't such a catastrophe to lose time moving forward- but we still didn't get to get as much done as we could have.
There is a plot of land across the street that is 15 acres and I want it so badly! We went and walked around it today and I just fell in love with it.
Weddings! I love weddings, and most of our friends are all married by now. But my friend Sophia had her wedding this month and it was just wonderful. We got sealed in the Provo City Center temple (which is gorgeous) and I was one of her bridesmaids. It was a hard day emotionally for me because of some struggles I was going through, but it was nice to be at the temple and to support her. She was a beautiful bride and just so happy!
Okay, so this is the part of the blog post where I get very vulnerable and real about my struggles this month. And last month. It's not fun, and not something that is easy to bring up- but I do want my kids to understand that I had these struggles and if they do too they can get through them. I also want them to know which sources were the most helpful for me, and to know that even if they don't have these exact struggles, struggles will come. Life is not easy and it is not meant to be easy. Struggles will come and they shouldn't be surprised by that or caught off guard. They are strong and can get through them and become better for that.
I have had mental health issues for a long time. Looking back at my life, I realize that I had anxiety since I was a kid. I thought everyone had those same fears all of the time, and it has only been within the last few years that I realized that is not true. Things got worse after my body got pregnant. Some hormones got increased or decreased or something, and when Henry was born I fell into a really deep anxiety and depression. It was really scary and I didn't know what was going on. I got some medical help and things got so much better. Fast forward a year and I tried getting off of the medication, hoping that with that year my body would have adjusted. I was off for about six months and each time my period came around those feelings would come back stronger and stay for longer, until eventually they just didn't leave at all. So I got back on the medication.
After Della was born, I was still on medication and I was doing so much better this time around. But about six months after I started to have panic attacks. I had no idea what was happening to me. I was asleep and then woke up feeling like a bear was chasing me and my adrenaline was just going crazy. I was dizzy and sick and throwing up and absolutely terrified. I assumed that this was just a crazy weird experience, but they came back religiously every month around my period. It took me about a year to track that and see the correlations, and each month it was so difficult. The terror that overtakes you is just paralyzing, and you don't think you'll ever be safe. This continued until I was pregnant with Amelia, and then I started having them multiple times a week, every week of the month. I was so sad because I was really hoping that this pregnancy would be different so that we could have more kids. I wanted more babies, but this was definitely showing me that it was not in the plans for me to do that. I nursed Amelia for almost a year, but stopped a couple months early to see if that would help these panic attacks, and it did. They went back to just once or twice a month around my period. I started to get more and more frustrated with them, because they would always happen when I was on a vacation. I love traveling and with that being the case, I started to hate going. I would get anxious and not want to go anywhere, and anything that could trigger it became something I tried to avoid. It was getting to the point where it was affecting my every day life and I was tired of it.
In September I got serious with my doctor about this again. We had tried a new medication in March and it seemed to really help, but it didn't change the panic attacks. I went back in and asked to get off of the medicine I had been on since Henry was born and move to a different one; one that was designed to help people with Panic Disorder. I switched in the middle-end of October, and it became a perfect storm. The lack of medicine made my anxiety and depression so much worse, and I was feeling so hopeless and lost. On my date with Alyson she told me that I should go talk to her dad, but I was too embarrassed so I didn't. When things go so terrible and I was so desperate, I wasn't embarrassed anymore because I was out of options. I went and talked with him and it absolutely changed my life.
I have written my story with all of the very personal details on a different document where it is more appropriate to share things like that. But I will say that this month, and October, were extremely difficult for me. I worked with all kinds of doctors and spent time on the phone with even more. I had spent 8 years trying to get a grip on the anxiety and depression, and 5 trying to understand and stop the panic attacks. I would look at this picture in my living room of the woman with the issue of blood and feel seen. I felt like I was her- I had been sick for so long and I just wanted to be healed. And through many different experiences, I was healed. Completely through the Savior Jesus Christ, I was healed. I'm writing this in March and the last panic attack I had was in November. I had one during the day which has never happened before, and it was about some things that came up in counseling. Once I faced those things I never had a panic attack again. Not on any trips, not around my period, not when I stayed up too late or heard a sad story about children being hurt or abused- nothing. This is nothing short of a miracle, and a miracle that only could be done through the power of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
I found this at Pinner's Conference and put it in my room where I could see it often
Part of what was so helpful with this healing process was this lady right here. Rusty called Phyllis and told her that I was having a hard time and she flew out the next day. She told her two jobs that she had somewhere she had to be and she would be back whenever she could. When she came she told me that she was not going to leave until she could see that I felt "confidently comfortable" that I could do things on my own.
One day as I was ironing some clothes I was listening to talks about getting through hard times. One of them had a story about a woman who had cancer and was deathly ill. She complained to her husband once and he said, "Well it looks like we need to find you someone to serve." She was mad and then thought about it more and realized that he was right. I was just amazed at this story, and still feel like he was harsh on her and she deserved to be able to complain haha. But it really shook me because I felt like I needed to serve someone. The kids' school was doing a food drive, so I took the kids around the house with me and we picked out some food to donate. We talked about sacrificing, and giving some of the food that was our favorite so that they could have it. Then we wrote notes to put in with the food. Henry's was just the sweetest thing ever.
Being outside always helps me mentally too. I figured out over the last couple months that if I was feeling depressed I needed to make sure I had done the following: moved my body, gone outside, showered, ate something, slept enough. Usually one of those things would alleviate a lot of those feelings. When Phyllis was here we took her to Wasatch State Park and fed the ducks. It was nice to get outside and get some fresh air!
Another thing that helps me is spending time with my babies. Sometimes during a panic attack I would go snuggle them for a little, but I could never sit still for very long. But just being close to them helped calm me down. This month we got out some paint and painted turkeys and fall trees!
This is just one picture, but man this month we were just so sick. At the beginning of the month they all got Hand, Foot, Mouth which was hard. Then Della got really sick so I took her into Instacare to get tested and she had RSV and strep throat. After that Amelia got it, and then I got it while we were in Bear Lake. Henry got RSV but not strep throat, but his RSV turned into an ear infection. I picked him up from school after the nurse called and I took him straight to Instacare too. The doctor said the infection was bad and he would need an antibiotic, but he's allergic to amoxicillin so we had to get a different prescription. I went to three different stores and none of them had it, so I had to call Instacare again to get a different prescription of something they did have. It took 8 hours to get his medicine. By the time he got it I think it had just been too long and that night he was in the most pain of the whole time. The next morning we saw that he had blood and pus in his ear and knew that his eardrum had burst. So we had to take him back in again to get that checked out. My poor baby!
Rusty's business was invited to go and see a pitch by Hypercraft, who was looking for more investors. It was the first pitch I'd ever listened to, but I thought it was really impressive! So did everyone else. We all ended up investing with them. Here's to hoping they do as well as we think they will!
Thanksgiving! I'm sad I don't have more pictures haha. The kids were finally feeling a little bit better, but on this day Amelia, Rusty and I were starting to kind of decline. And with all of the emotional things that had been going on I wasn't really sure we would make it anyways. It seemed overwhelming to go and make a big dinner and have to be somewhere else. But I started to feel good enough that we did it and I'm glad. It was fun to be all together! It was my parents and Jessica and Aaron, and Phyllis.
The night of Thanksgiving we drove to Bear Lake and stayed in a little condo there. Rusty and I both felt like we needed a break- this month was just exhausting and so difficult. So we got this place for the long weekend and had zero plans. We brought some yummy food, movies, and board games and that was basically the whole plan! The first day I got really sick and Amelia was up all night sick so we went to an Instacare there and got tested and we both had strep throat. So we got antibiotics, and then Amelia and I just stayed in bed the whole day watching TV and the kids and Rusty and Phyllis played downstairs. The next day I was feeling SO much better, so I was able to emerge and go downstairs to play some games. We even went over into the common building and played some pickleball which is hilarious and I love it. Sunday morning we drove back home! It was a bummer to be sick while we were there, but even with that it was such a nice break. It gave us a chance to just go somewhere new, relax, and have a little bit of fun after a tough month.
There was a s'more roasting kit for us to use so we did it over the stove!
The airbnb had these cool blocks for the kids to play with!
Now, putting up decorations and taking them down does stress me out. Jessica and my parents came out one day and cleaned my house, changed the sheets, and helped me take down Halloween decorations and put up Thanksgiving ones. But Christmas is so peaceful and brings so much joy that I loved getting things out. And this was one year that I wasn't worried about starting too early haha. I did wait until after Thanksgiving, but that first day back everything went away to make room for Christmas! We also wrote letters to Santa so that he would have enough time to make everything.
We were back at the doctor again! This month we really just couldn't catch a break. I don't even remember which kid we were here for- maybe all three?
I had an appointment to get my hair done! It is nice to have some alone time and to be pampered a little bit. And with my hair going so gray I had to move to the blonde color up quite a bit higher haha.
Henry's Highlights:
- He has been doing an art class this month at the Rec Center and he is doing such a great job! He is really loving it and feeling very proud of himself. I am proud of him too! He is very talented!
- I was signed up to do Turkey Tales in Henry's class, but we were all sick and couldn't go to school that day.
- Is really into playing chess since we got that board for Bear Lake! He is pretty good too!
Adeline's Adventures:
- I got to go in to Della's kindergarten class for Turkey Tales! I brought in some Thanksgiving stories to read to her class, and then I stapled a tie on the back of the turkey so it looked like a tail feather.
- Doing really well in her ballet class!
- LOVES school and has a lot of friends
Amelia's Updates:
- She says "teeny bit" and holds her pointer finger and thumb just barely apart. It kills me. "Can I have some of your water? Teeny bit??"
- Loves "This little piggy" on her toes
- Absolutely obsessed with the show Wild Kratts
- When she gets scared of something she is watching on a show, she just shakes her head back and forth a lot
- Runs around with her arms in the air saying "Woo hoo!"
- Goes in my bathroom and says in a worried voice "Where go your lipstick!?!?" and wants it every day
- Says "neigh" for pony tail when I ask her how she wants her hair
- She sings ALL. THE. TIME.
- Amelia loves playing like she is the waitress. She writes down your order and then says, "What else?" over and over again.
- "I no likeh yoh hayow"
- Started talking in a growley voice
- Loves the book Nibbles
- When it's bedtime, she just says "sit" and points to the chair in her room. She likes us to stay in there with her
Extra Pictures:
Bailey got bitten by some mean german shepherds and she has these scars on her nose
Rusty's little working buddy
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